Troy Dunn had us laughing and crying.

What an honor it was to have Troy Dunn speak at the conference. His realistic, personal and unique look at adoption was both entertaining and inspiring.

A gift storyteller, his experiences and anecdotes had us laughing one minute and touched to the point of tears the next.

The Church News covered the event and highlighted excerpts from his address, including how his mother explained to him the concept of adoption as they were waiting to adopt Troy's youngest brother.

Celebrating adoption - 'Letting love lead'

"My mom introduced the beautiful concept of adoption in a very simple manner," Brother Dunn said. "She said, 'There is something that is called prayer trading, and we're going to trade prayers with somebody. Somewhere out there is a girl praying for a good family for her baby. We are going to pray for a good tummy with a baby in it, and we are going to answer each others' prayers.' "

To read the full article, click on the title above.


A heartfelt thank you to Troy for his willingness to leave his family vacation and come and share his thoughts with us, shake our hands, listen to our stories and share a piece of himself with all of us attending the conference.

Many of you have asked if any of the conference will be available to those who were not able to attend. Once duplicated, a DVD will go to each chapter chair and each LDS Family Services office. There will also be a video stream link on the FSA site. This includes Troy Dunn's address.

Conference Wrap Up

The Awards Banquet on Friday night.

This year's conference was a thriving success. Thank you to all those who worked tirelessly make it a wonderful, educational and uplifting weekend.

We would love to hear your experiences from the conference to share with those that were not able to attend. Send us an email telling us your favorite part of the conference, the most exciting panel you attended or the most informational classes you were able to attend. We would love to help everyone have a taste of this year's conference.

Many of you have asked if any of the conference will be available to those who were not able to attend. Once duplicated, a DVD will go to each chapter chair and each LDS Family Services office. There will also be a video stream link on the FSA site.

See you next year!

Matching Monday

To view all the children featured on Matching Monday click here.

LDS Family Services and Families Supporting Adoption encourage you to look at all your options when hoping to build a family through adoption, including foster care.

Are these your children?

Louisiana
Samuel age 1.
Samuel is an active toddler. He will let just about anyone hold him without making a fuss. Samuel loves dogs, likes taking trips to the park, laughing and dance.


Virginia
Ignacio is an infant.
He was born healthy but later doctors discovered he has a medical condition. Please click on link to find out more.


Washington State
Alana age 7.
She enjoys art and music, and she has found that soft music soothes her and helps her to go to sleep at night. her dolls are among Alana's favorite playthings, and she enjoys riding her bike and swimming.


Utah
Elizabeth age 2.
A precious little angel sent from heaven, Elizabeth loves to be cuddled. She reacts well to her current foster mom. this sweet tiny tot has made leaps and bounds of progress since entering her current placement.

Article: "Dealing with Infertiltiy Problems" (Part 2)

This article is taken from an AMCAP convention in October 1984.
(AMCAP is the association of mormon counselors and psychotherapists.)

This is the second part of the article. The first part is written by Robert Taylor. To read the first part, click here. The second part is by his wife, Jayne E. Taylor.

Here is Part Two.

Jayne E. Taylor:

A large portion of our lives as Latter-day Saints centers on reproduction, parenthood, and raising children.

When couples become aware that reproduction is delayed or unattainable, they enter a stage of emotional crisis--the crisis of infertility. The emotions include feelings of surprise, denial, frustration, anger, guilt, and typically isolation. Another initial reaction is the sense of helplessness and anger at losing control over one's life plan and body. This reaction is particularly true of people who are goal-oriented and people who need to have control over their lives. The feelings of one or both partners may negatively interfere with many areas of their marriage such as communication, sexual adjustment, and the whole quality of their life. A common fear for an infertile couple is that the fertile partner might abandon the infertile one, or worse, stay in the relationship resentfully. Some even make offers of divorce or say such provoking things as, "Well, if you had married someone else, you would have a family by now." The fertile partner may hide his or her disappointment and anger instead of dealing honestly with his or her feelings. Often we find that single people who know they are infertile will retreat from relationships or keep them superficial because they don't want this dreadful secret to be out. Married people may do the same.

Infertility can also reactivate unresolved past feelings of danger or loss. Sexuality can become extremely threatened. One Relief Society sister told an infertile woman, "You are not really a woman until you have borne a child."

The next phase following the initial shock centers on body image and self-worth. Feelings of worthlessness, defectiveness, and shame are common. People become preoccupied with the infertility workup, formulate theories about why this has happened to them, why they are defective, and why they are denied something that the rest of the world can take for granted. Barbara Manning, the past National Resolve president, said,

There's a sense of loneliness and isolation in infertility that defies description. The couple frequently feel they have no one to turn to, but each other. Family and friends are often reluctant to discuss such a personal and inherently sexual problem. If they do listen, they seem to answer with platitudes and misinformation born of generations of mythology and superstition. Somehow worthiness and pregnancy get conflated.

Because of these feelings of failure and inadequacy, it is hard for a couple to discuss this with anybody. Defense mechanisms are often set up to deal with family and friends. A man and a woman often feel damaged and defective. I have heard women describe themselves as feeling hollow or empty. One woman described herself as looking like Hiroshima after the bomb. Men describe themselves as castrated or talk about intercourse as shooting blanks.

These feelings of defectiveness go further. Many people comment that they cannot do anything right. One woman was unable to work on her doctoral dissertation; she said that her mind was sterile also. I had a very hard time going back for my master's degree until I had resolved some of my feelings about infertility. Somehow it affected my whole inner self. The monthly menstrual cycle is a terrible reminder and an enormous tension builds up towards the end of each cycle. Many women feel a deep depression verging on despair when menstruation begins. The intensity lessens over time, yet it is still always there as a reminder.

The next phase involves mourning the loss of the children a couple will never biologically have. This is a very difficult task because the loss is so vague. It is hard to define a potential. There are no funerals, no rituals to help the bereaved. It is an invisible process. I work in an intensive care unit with parents who lose children. For the most part, they have a lot of support systems--family actually present, support from family members not physically present, people who work with them, support groups, and a funeral helps them through the grief process. But people who are infertile may have no one to talk to.

The final step is that of resolution. The couple must now redefine their sexuality so that procreation is not a central point and work at regaining a healthy self-image.

Conclusive knowledge can help people who know there is absolutely no chance of ever becoming pregnant. They can close the chapter, go through the grief process, and continue with their lives. One woman I talked to recently had had a hysterectomy after years of trying to become pregnant. She was surprised at the relief she felt knowing that she couldn't become pregnant. There are many cases of infertile women who have had tubal legations just so they can't get pregnant.

The couple must assess their inner resources and decide what they are going to do in the absence of biological children. Sometimes this has to become a joint decision on which they can both agree, or the relationship will not last--or if it does, it will be unhappy. If you continue to have faith, does that mean you continue to go to the doctors?

The nonresolution of infertility can be a leading cause of failure in adoptive placements. Adoption may symbolize one's inadequacy in reproduction, and the presence of the child will actually be seen as a narcissistic injury for a couple who has not worked through that infertility. The point is, adoption does not cure infertility. Anecdotal evidence to the contrary, the statistics simply do not show that adoption cures infertility. Adoption and infertility are two different issues.

Failure to grieve is the most common block to resolution and the easiest to help. Every person has losses. We all have losses. It is very useful to give people permission to grieve. They must realize and acknowledge that a loss of great magnitude has taken place and that to grieve is normal. Also, grief runs a predictable course, and the pain does lessen as time goes on. A social support system to help is really important. I'd recommend the National Organization of Resolve (now RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association) which is very active in Utah. Also, the LDS Social Services (now LDS Family Services) here in Salt Lake can be a support system for people going through the adoption process.

In summary, the challenges to most infertile individuals/couples, and particularly those in the LDS culture, are very significant and far-reaching, in part due to many contributory cultural factors. Most people in the resolution of those challenges go through the steps of emotional crisis, mourning, and resolution. A social support system is very helpful in the successful resolution. As we remain mindful of these points, we can make a significant contribution to those suffering with infertility.

References

• Mazor, M (1979). Barren couples. Psychology Today, p. 101.


• Menning, B. (1975). The infertile couple: A plea for advocacy. Child Welfare, 54, pp. 454-459.


• Packer, Boyd K. (1973). Why stay morally clean. Salt Lake City, UT: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.


• Tanner, N. Eldon (1973, January). ENSIGN, pp.7-8.

Matching Monday

To view all the children featured on Matching Monday click here.

LDS Family Services and Families Supporting Adoption encourage you to look at all your options when hoping to build a family through adoption, including foster care.

Are these your children?

Idaho
Anthony age 20 months.
Anthony is a cuddly toddler with a generally happy disposition. His verbal skills are taking off with familiar words such as "Mom", "Dad", and "owie". His smile and winning ways have endeared him to his caregivers and his caseworker.


Colorado
Jesse & Kenith ages 7 & 5.
Like two peas in a pod, Jesse and Kenith stick together. Jesse is a charming boy who is content to watch movies, play games, and ride his bike and run outside. Kenith is a big helper at school and at home. He loves games, watching movies, and playing outside just as much as his big brother does.

New Jersey
Lashanda age 17.
Lashanda sings on the church choir, and her favorite things to do include shopping and getting her hair done. Lashanda is very verbally outgoing and she does not have a problem speaking her mind.

Utah
Sean age 15.
Being fun to talk to and having a great personality to boot, makes this young man a joy to be around. Sean does well in school. He is attending the ninth grade. He participates in class and his teachers all have great things to say about him.

Utah
Moses & Aria ages 12 & 9.
Aria and Moses are two children who desire to grow up together in the same home with their own family. Older brother Moses is an active boy who enjoys playing all sports and any game. Princesses are Aria's favorite things! Aria likes anything to do with them, whether it be a toy or a movie.

Advice from Kathy Searle
The Utah Director of Programs for The Adoption Exchange

"If you have made an inquiry follow up with the agency about 4 weeks later. They should be able to give the worker a little nudge or give you information that the case worker didn't have time to get to you. Please please please don't give up our waiting children are depending upon you."


* * *

We are learning that you have to be proactive in order to hear any more information about these children. If you don't hear anything back from an email inquiry, don't give up. Call the case worker assigned.

Please take time to look at each situation--each child. Then share their information with others. Even if these little ones aren't right for your family, you might be the link to the family who is.