I loved our June education meeting because of the chance I have to interact with other adoptive families and share experiences. I also love meeting couples who are new to the adoption process and see them become excited about adoption. I thought our birth family panel was great as well as the discussion about openness and boundaries.
~Carrie Conklin, Co-Chair, Proud Parent through Adoption
~Carrie Conklin, Co-Chair, Proud Parent through Adoption
About thirty adoptive parents and birth moms attended our recent education meeting on Saturday, June 6. It’s always fun to get together with friends who have been touched by adoption and to meet new friends who are just starting the adoption process. We had two amazing birth mothers share their stories. Anna had just placed her baby three weeks earlier, so her feelings were fresh and full of emotion. Her strength and maturity and eternal perspective were impressive and it was easy to get excited about adopting because of her enthusiasm and great attitude, even though it was clear how much grief she was experiencing. Nichole also shared her story. She placed almost two years ago and since then has gotten married and become a huge advocate for adoption. Nichole also was strong and full of faith. She shared how hard her placement was, but how time and an open adoption have helped her heal and be happy. Both women shared their feelings about having an open adoption and how a loving connection with the adoptive families helped them. I felt reassured and full of hope when both women said that when they looked through adoption profiles, they both knew when they found the parents for their baby. For both women it was a spiritual decision and they knew deep in their hearts that their baby was meant for the adoptive family. Hearing that is reassuring! We had lunch and then had a brainstorming session collecting ideas for networking and finding our babies. We discussed how to hand out passalong cards, and came up with many ideas to spread the word about our hope to adopt and adoption in general. Then Brent, an adoption caseworker, gave some great tips and advice for creating healthy boundaries and relationships with birth families. He said that being realistic with our expectations and showing mutual respect for each other’s emotions and vulnerabilities is important. And he said that if the relationship is strained, be reassured that you can re- connect when respect, trust, and the circumstances are right. We finished the day with a short discussion about infertility and how to have joy despite the sorrow that comes from wanting a family.
~Michelle Coxey Education Chair, Proud Parent through Adoption
~Michelle Coxey Education Chair, Proud Parent through Adoption
Notes by Desha Wood, a blogger, an adoption advocate and a birth mother:
The day started out with a birthmom panel and there were 2 birthmoms in the audience as well. Nicole (21) was 2 years post-placement and Anna (16) was 3 weeks post-placement. Patty, Anna’s mom, sat on the panel as well. Both used itsaboutlove.com to find their babies' families. Both have open adoptions.
Both shared their stores and adoption journey, and Patty added her perspective as a birthgrandma. Nicole's doctor originally suggested adoption and her dad brought it up again 6 months later. She prayed and felt a “thank you” and that people out there needed a child. Anna wasn’t sure about adoption until she came across P&R’s profile, she knew immediately that they needed this baby.
Nicole came from a place of time and healing, while Anna was fresh with the raw emotions of birth and placement. Yet resounding strength, faith and peace with their adoption choices was common between them. Patty’s words as a loving mother watching her beautiful young daughter make such a personal sacrifice were tear jerking and pulled at everyone’s heartstrings.
Nicole's advice for adoptive couples: Adoptive parents need to be really flexible to birthmothers needs/wants as they constantly change.
Patty's advice for adoptive couples: Get to know the birthgrandma! That desire to love and protect your own is very strong. Walmart is just down the road! Keep in touch- text, call, etc. to include the birthmom after placement.
Additional thoughts: It's important for the birthmother to see the love between the adoptive parents that they have for each other; it’s important to see the love the Adoptive Dad will have for the baby.
Q’s from the audience:
What did you look for in a profile?
In the letter – love and thanks immediately, cute pictures, reassurance that the child will know of the birthmother's love. Nicole liked that the couple had written about each other, “cute couple." A creative unique tag-line, listen to the Spirit, include lots of individualized personal info to increase the chances of a birthmother finding that connection.
What role does the adoptive family play in your future relationships?
Just be there, be an outlet, a resource, an example.
What gifts did you receive at placement?
Nicole: A second chance at life.
Anna: A scrapbook of all the emails and such. She had written to the couple and the baby during the pregnancy, letters from P&R, picture. A gift cert to her favorite clothing store for her birthday.
Desha and Melissa both received sentimental jewelry
Names.
Adoptive couples get worried that if the birthmom doesn’t like the name then she won’t
pick them!? There are unique situations for choosing the name to be explored by each birthmom/adoptive couple. The baby was always ‘theirs’ to name what they want to.
What about imperfections, do we include that in our profiles?
(Personality traits, hoarding clutter, procrastination, etc.) First and foremost we want you to be human, be honest, find a way to spin it positive.
The birthmother panel was awesome!
There was lots of emotions and sharing of treasured experiences, there was a lot to be learned from these women and their incredible journeys. Lunch was pizza and fresh fruit, giving couples a chance to meet each other and mingle amongst themselves and with the birthmoms, as well as watch Anna’s adoption story video.
After lunch started with a discussion on FINDING vs waiting.
We talked about pass along cards and the packet Someone Is Missing was handed out. We talked about ways to promote adoption in general if perhaps you’re not yet approved or not able to adopt at the moment. Most of the couples at this meeting were just getting started with paperwork, so a lot of these ideas were brand new and inspiring for them.
Our finding list:
- Pass along cards
- Online profile – get someone to help you with the technical end (getting your pics to cycle at the right speed and in the right place, no cut off heads and text, etc.)
- Parent profiles – Carrie was chosen via parent profiles – be prepared for scammers
- Other agencies besides LDSFS
- Send a letter to friends and family – include pass along cards
- Participate in FSA
- Fast with a purpose and be specific
- Blessing
- Facebook – create an adoption group page
- Blog – create an adoption blog
- Ward Council
- Get to know the birthmoms
- Craigslist – place an ad
- Remember to UPDATE your profile regularly!
The next presentation was OPENNESS.
It was taught by LDSFS adoption supervisor at the time Brent Cichoski. Brent passed out handouts – Adoption Language Worksheet – Positive vs. Negative, Fears and Feelings Paralleling the Adopting Parent and the Birth Parents' Perspectives, Healthy Boundaries Packet, Openness- The Circle of Adoption Packet.
There are three types of boundaries – healthy, collapsed and rigid.
It’s important to determine what your personal boundaries are like--what boundaries are like in all of your relationships. It is really easy to become enmeshed with a birthparent. We discussed what being enmeshed means to you and how to get out? Using the checkpoints in the boundaries packet can help prevent a relationship form becoming enmeshed. Enmeshed relationship = you have no balance of power. You tend to be either overly responsible and controlling or passive and dependent. Your wants needs and feelings are secondary to others. You ignore your inner voice. You tend to absorb the feelings of others. You rely on others opinions, feelings and ideas. You allow others to define your limits. You compromise your values and beliefs in order to please others.
The Audience Discussion:
Concerns About Open Adoption:
- Birthparents showing up at the doorstep.
- Wanting the baby back
- Identity confusion for an older child
Some Advantages to Open Adoption:
- Insights form the birthparent(s)
- Get to great people
- See how much the birthparent(s) love the child
- No mystery about the birth father
- Health/medical information
- ‘The more we know, the better we feel.'
Obstacles in open adoption:
- Its WORK – it’s harder than it sounds!
- Defining roles
- You hear stuff that hurts
How open?:
- Expectations are dynamic - always changing
- Don’t agree to something if you are not comfortable, instead say you will ‘consider’…
- Establish realistic expectations
Expectations:
- **All frustration comes with unmet expectations**
- Take the offense
- Flexibility – reevaluate as needed
- Agree!
- Couples – you can't take away the grief and pain – be respectful of changing emotions as the birthparents grieve – be prepared for the anger (a normal step in the grieving process) to be directed full throttle at you. KEEP YOUR PROMISES!
Birthparents – remember that adoptive parents are humans with fears insecurities and vulnerabilities; be respectful of their roles, devotion and authority to your child.
Open adoption red flags were discussed:
- Co-parenting
- Toxic Behaviors
- ‘Invite Myself’
- No Babysitting
- Unrealistic Expectations
- Manipulation
- Consider keeping family events and holidays separate – no backhanded invitations - don’t invite the birth family to events unless you actually want them there and are prepared to deal with other friends/family reactions
- Opinions and overall uneducated-ness regarding open adoption.
Brent guided the discussion through how to handle disagreements and then talked about the shift in the birthparent/adoptive parent relationship. He talked about how at first all the attention is on the birthmom. Then the baby is born and all the attention shifts to the baby. Birthparents often feel like and/or get lost and ignored in this transition. They have an inner struggle, "Am I a mom or not?" The birthmom might change the dynamic of the friendship as she struggles with her feelings of rejection anger and hurt. Trust is critical in this shift. As an adoptive parent remember your agreement, the expectations you have set with your self and the birthparents, and do your best to be extra mindful of the delicate relationship. “Painful experiences can be the gateway to growth”.
After Brent's Power Point presentation the topic was turned to a discussion on infertility.
Infertility.
Michelle showed the video clip, Create by Pres Uchtdorf.
After the clip played she simply asked what feelings that brought out--if anyone might be willing to share. There wasn’t much in the way of response besides lots of sniffles. I spoke up and said I felt like the video clip would leave an infertile woman feeling very sorry for herself, crappy even, the desire to create life, babies, a family, is huge and here is a GA telling you to go create and the one thing you want to create, you can't! And I’m sure infertility has been a means for all the other hobbies and creative resources to be maxed out! Enough sewing, painting, knitting, cooking, and bogging already, you want to create babies and your family! But adoption is awesome because it allows the utmost creation, I was privileged enough to be able to create a body for this lil spirit and his adoptive mom will get to create who he is, the man he will grow to be, by being his mother. We both play an important role, we both get the joy and blessings that come from this unique ability to create, that in and of itself, to me, is a miracle. To be able to mold shape guide direct and influence this new life is a wonderful opportunity to create- to create your family, a new dynamic with your spouse, new traditions and experience, and to create a new ‘you,’ the you that is mother… don’t short change yourself and your role in that just because you didn’t literally create the physical bodies of your children.
We briefly talked about the importance of acknowledging the pain, finding joy in the sorrow, being a support for one another, and that God is ever mindful.
Posts
